My journey in BDSM has evolved in a unique way, one that made me realize I don’t live in two worlds, or have separate lives, or contradicting sides to my personality. But that wasn’t always what I believed. In my beginnings, I would often hear people say “I’ve been kinky my whole life”. That was not the case with me. I haven’t even been kinky very long, let alone my whole existence. Not even in my twenties when one would think you are the most curious about your sexuality and what is out there to experience. I didn’t even know this “world” existed until 6–7 years ago. And I remember back then, I secretly viewed my fantasies and thoughts as something dark and wrong, or some persona I would become at certain times. It wasn’t until a few years after that I realized it is a big part of who I am at my core and what I am made of.
I am a submissive. The same way I am a professional, a mother, a sister, a daughter and a female friend. Submission is how I look at life when I open my eyes every morning and how I choose to provide to those around me every day. And above all, submission is what has allowed me to have a different look out towards life’s ups and downs, and how to understand and accept them.
This past summer I had a series of bad circumstances that surrounded me and made me feel I was losing much of what I had built without a single clue of what was to come and how I was going to deal with it. I was given the task by my mentor to spend time on me, and do a daily hour of self care. At first it was hard to make this a consistent effort, but I realized how I have been neglecting myself, and had instead been focusing on giving and attending to others, in one way or another. So I was determined to do this for me and bring some much needed change. I decided to take a different approach each day, and did many things that I enjoyed, like drawing and painting, or warm baths with salts and long walks. The one thing that was a constant was meditation. And it was in those moments of quietness of the mind, those moments during which I was submitting and giving into the here and now, that I started to find the answers. Those answers were coming to me while in a place of surrender, where my wishes and desires found their alignment with the universe’ wishes and desires. A place of surrender to what is.
I realized then that as I surrendered to the voices of the universe and let them flow and sync with mine, the message was one, although repeated and heard over and over, coming from different people and realms of life, people that knew me well as well as those that barely knew me. But most of all, the same message was coming from within, and had been idle and hiding in my heart and soul, and finally pressing to be set free.
“As long as we don’t push on the walls of our surroundings, we may never know how strong we really are” PAIGE BRADLEY
Not surprisingly, my journey continued to take me down the same path. I was at a conference a few weeks later, and saw a sign posted that read: “Submission as a way of life”. They had cancelled a class I was planning to attend, and replaced it with that particular topic. My skeptic side said to myself “what can you possibly learn in such class?”. I already knew I couldn’t possibly live this lifestyle 24/7, but there was some sense of inspiration in those words, so off I went. And I am glad I did…
The class started with some opening questions that got me thinking and noticing that each day, I am making new efforts to shape the answers and discover what each meant to me: Who are you? What does submission mean to you? And I realized that submission IS indeed a way of life. Even if I am not in service to anyone, or even when I have to be in “alpha mode” for 90% of my day juggling my responsibilities, submission is in my identity. It gives form to who I am, how I think, how I act, and how I make decisions. And if we don’t know and start with the basics, and keep them always in check, we can’t walk the path of growth.
The rest of the class was around concepts that can apply to every aspect of life. These concepts brought me back to my daily exercises of self care, of stopping to think and collect the thoughts before submerging in the daily madness that is life these days. They were of course discussed from the point of view of what submission is as a way of life, but they very much made sense as a way of life in general:
*You serve your purpose by being who you are
*Do not focus on anyone else’s thoughts or opinions, submit to who you are
*Drive a sense of value from who you are, not what you do
*Do for the sake of being, so that it becomes a part of you
*Submit to the moment, just be in the moment
*Remember to not only let go, but to also stop holding on to the feelings inside
By working on knowing myself, gaining focus, finding my center and balance, I am able to have that encounter with me that speaks to my being, my reason and mission. It is in those moments where I can clearly see my purpose and what I have to offer in my personal life (as a professional, a mother, a sister, a daughter and a female friend) as well as in my submission. Without that connection with oneself, the mission is short lived and happiness will not be complete. Because when we find that connection with oneself, we also realize that even the things that we think are negative traits become something positive in us if we are able to give it a good outcome and channel them in a positive way.
Identity is built by how we see ourselves and how we believe we can be and work to be. I am learning to not allow life circumstances to change that, and stand strong to be who I am, submitting to the universe’ will and plan for me.