My journey in BDSM has evolved in a unique way, one that made me realize I don’t live in two worlds, or have separate lives, or contradicting sides to my personality. But that wasn’t always what I believed. In my beginnings, I would often hear people say “I’ve been kinky my whole life”. That was not the case with me. I haven’t even been kinky very long, let alone my whole existence. Not even in my twenties when one would think you are the most curious about your sexuality and what is out there to experience. I didn’t even know this “world” existed until 6–7 years ago. And I remember back then, I secretly viewed my fantasies and thoughts as something dark and wrong, or some persona I would become at certain times. It wasn’t until a few years after that I realized it is a big part of who I am at my core and what I am made of.
I am a submissive. The same way I am a professional, a mother, a sister, a daughter and a female friend. Submission is how I look at life when I open my eyes every morning and how I choose to provide to those around me every day. And above all, submission is what has allowed me to have a different look out towards life’s ups and downs, and how to understand and accept them.
This past summer I had a series of bad circumstances that surrounded me and made me feel I was losing much of what I had built without a single clue of what was to come and how I was going to deal with it. I was given the task by my mentor to spend time on me, and do a daily hour of self care. At first it was hard to make this a consistent effort, but I realized how I have been neglecting myself, and had instead been focusing on giving and attending to others, in one way or another. So I was determined to do this for me and bring some much needed change. I decided to take a different approach each day, and did many things that I enjoyed, like drawing and painting, or warm baths with salts and long walks. The one thing that was a constant was meditation. And it was in those moments of quietness of the mind, those moments during which I was submitting and giving into the here and now, that I started to find the answers. Those answers were coming to me while in a place of surrender, where my wishes and desires found their alignment with the universe’ wishes and desires. A place of surrender to what is.