“It’s not you, it’s me” Dating, breaking up and starting all over again…
Raise your hand if you have never used that phrase when breaking up with someone? Anyone? Just as I suspected. The truth is, when dealing with this type of conflict, it seems that human beings find it way easier to blame themselves than the other person. But that is typically not a true statement. It takes two to tango. We each play a part in a relationship. And the reality is, in most instances, it’s not about finding blame or who is more or less guilty. It could simply be our interests changed, we didn’t know each other as good as we thought, we are not as compatible, and so on. It is just the reality of life and relationships and the path we follow to find that special someone to continue our journey with. So I have found that sometimes, it’s not you, and it’s not me either. Or is it?
I have noticed that every time a relationship comes to an end, I hurt. I feel it deeply. I have this strong physical pain that manifests on my chest, which makes me realize that “heartbreaks” are a real thing. I typically go into this frenzy of trying to figure out what I did wrong. What is it of the “it’s me” that I need to change for next time. Or was it them? I spend countless hours, days, months, going around and around this same topic. In any direction I could possibly imagine. There are situations where the challenges are more tangible, but there are others where it isn’t that clear cut. Not only that… sometimes the other person could be the one creating the storm, and yet when asked, they themselves may not understand it. So in those instances, why does it hurt so much when it is not a reflection on me? Why does it hurt so much when it was their actions, words, and feelings that created the turmoil? Is it because there is no explanation? Is it because I am not “them”, and as such, am unable to fully understand? Or is it because the wounds they created are simply just showing me where the scars I already had are? I realized that it is me after all that may be exacerbating the hurt by not allowing my mental, emotional and physical beings to find a good balance, and allowing my fears to convince me that those scars may be opening up again, and again over time. If I don’t learn to live with them and understand they are a part of who I am, much like real scars on the physical body, I will not be able to ever experience the joy of being with someone again. If I don’t learn that they are not something that will open and bleed every time I experience something negative, I will be fearful that any new person will be a potential threat to those scars that have healed already. It is important to believe in the fact that the scars are there because I have experienced, and they are reminder of what I don’t like, don’t want and will not / should not accept. But just because I fell and got hurt, it doesn’t mean I can’t get up and keep walking.
Having an “it’s me” mindset creates boundaries for ourselves that are not always healthy. It’s like a scar that is constantly bleeding. The moment we decide to let it heal for good, we can let the guard down and allow new experiences to come forward. There’s a difference between saying and ultimately believing “it’s me” and knowing “yes, I took a part in it, it hurt but I’ve healed”. Perception is everything. And our minds do believe in what we tell them.