Ever since I started dipping my toes in the world of BDSM and the public scene, I learned that relationships are far from what most know them to be in the vanilla or mainstream world. That’s not to say that the typical, socially accepted and traditional relationships do not have a place in BDSM, but rather that the possibilities and combinations become endless. That is one of the things that has made my journey a joyful one, because I could explore what time, energy, preferences, feelings (you name it) would bring my way, with no shame or judgement. But whether you identify as a man or a woman, gender fluid, pansexual, bi-sexual, queer, lesbian, gay, poly or mono, or whether you are on the D (or left side) of the slash as a Dominant, Master, Top, Owner and so on, or the s (or right side) as a submissive, slave, bottom or property, there are values that are essential to the existence of the relationship, just like in the vanilla world: trust, respect and consideration.
I had a Master once. I also had an Owner after that. I was never collared, and neither of those dynamics were of public knowledge. Partially because of insecurities, but also because they were a work in progress, something that was still in the very early stages of negotiation and being molded and defined. It takes a long time to get to know someone and figure out if they are the right match. Being a slave or submissive in a relationship adds an important layer to that discovery process, in that the D type you choose to submit to will essentially be the one making all the decisions in the relationship and for you. Total Power Exchange (TPE) means that you as the s type are giving up control and the D type takes/accepts it. So it is imperative that there’s mutual understanding and a desire to not only please and fulfill each other but a security for the s type and a commitment on the D type that He/She has the best interest at heart for the submissive.
This brings me to the core of this writing: when the submissive is not the primary partner, or in other words, when the relationship is partial, you will most likely never live with the person. You may not even see them with the frequency you would like and/or it may be unpredictable at times. You may not play a part in vanilla activities or be there in the good and bad times or the milestones in each other’s lives. But if you live the dynamic guided by its core values of trust, respect and consideration, and create consistency between your actions and words in the commitments you make, there will be fulfillment, and the devotion that erupts from the submissive’s heart will shine with the same intensity, because it is not about quantity but quality. It is not about being there every day but rather being present when you are. It is not about having a ring on your finger or a marriage certificate but being that full circle of containment where the submissive can go deep into her core and be his/her true self for his/her Dominant. Partiality in time and place does not create boundaries to the devotion a submissive feels. The bounds of submission derived from the control given up are at the same time the key to the submissive’s freedom, and when attained, submission creates a spiritual and mental that knows no limits. The Dominant will establish protocols and rituals, as well as rules to be followed in His/Her absence. The submissive will follow through, and, in turn, the dynamic will flourish and exist in permanence.
Much like flowers, relationships need attention and care. A submissive’s devotion will be in bloom as long as his/her needs are met. Some flowers (primary partners) require the steady presence of their Owner. Others (secondary partners) require steadiness and responsibility in the care provided but can show all their colors and petals no matter what’s going on around them. When a Dominant find His/Her way to a submissive’s core, and the submissive is allowed to let it flourish, even in the slightest, his/her devotion will be present day after day, and night after night. Much like a flower.